I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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