i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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