So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
