I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I cut my penus on the lid.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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