I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
