i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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