Your face is a jimmy john
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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