The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
