Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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