In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
