I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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