people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
