its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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