The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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