Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
