I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
