I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
