It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
tell me about the eggs
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