Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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