Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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