the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
