Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
What drink are we having for lunch?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
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