My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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