dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
