Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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