I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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