Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
