im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
