I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
