I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just want nice things and good sex
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
