I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
