remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
