So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My bed smells like the plague
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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