The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
