I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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