listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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