My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
