Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
