Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize
