Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
