Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
