What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
