I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
