I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
