My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
