I seem to have left my pride at pride
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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