I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
