Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
