she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize