this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize