Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
