there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Randomize
