you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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