u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Where is the hickey?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
