and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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