I smell stomach acid.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Congratulations! We have a period
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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