Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize