watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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