we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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